Bye!

Away with limited internet til August! Bye!

packing

lazy day packing and killing time. music.

almost...

Is it Saturday yet? No, but almost...

aches,

waking aches, Netflix, Ensure, dictionnaire, la soupe

movie,

French movie, Spanish movie, 3-D movie, M&Ms

worrying

can't help worrying about money. trying not

trekking

dancing, imagining, choreographing, watching, buying, planning, trekking

away!

Free Alvin Ailey! Vassar one week away!

Diät."

"...ein Jahrtausend lang / brauch ich jezt Diät."

Australian

Thank you, Australian surgeon. A real conversation.

THUNDER!

great rehearsal yesterday! meeting surgeon tomorrow. THUNDER!

Astoria

Astoria walk with Tara, goodbyes, cast party!

(mmmmcupcake...)

Great day with family and friends! (mmmmcupcake...)

closing

One show closed. One show closing tomorrow.

articulate.

don't mean to frighten. just gotta articulate.

knifing

bloody dreams: shopping, neighborhood, sink drowning, knifing

shuffle.

dad. beth. drinks. iPod shuffle. life! life.

Blogging's

Blogging's been low on my priority list.

crunches.

Surgery needed. Time crunches. I wait, hardening.

off.

two whole days off. eating slowly, surely.

bacon.

I can eat bacon. Oh can I.

compromises.

The daily compromises. The exhaustion. The desire.

opening!

One show opened! One show opening! Performances.

horrified

I'm horrified by what I've been through.

Triborough

I crossed the Triborough on foot today.

dress

double dress rehearsals! let's knock it out!

about?

What has today been about? Writing, rest...

Peace.

Rest In Peace, houndstooth Fender shoes. Peace.

are

There are days, and days, and days.

sun,

walk in the sun, cold in shade

And

And now I'm getting a cold! Thanks!

slightly.

nine hours of rehearsal today. hungover. slightly.

vodka

hopefully lots of vodka tonight. blueberry vodka?...

necessary.

manometry on the horizon. necessary. terrible. gross.

wasn't

wasn't gonna do this today too tired

yolk

pepper yolk Mussorgsky episode notification memorization vocals

capsules.

new medicine. purple and gray shaker capsules.

managementy

C.O.W. marathon Day Two. stage managementy supervising.

Work

Creating Original Work marathon COWstravaganza COWapalooza MADNESS!

achalasia.

Let's write about something else, not achalasia.

endoscopy,

on today's schedule: anaesthesia, endoscopy, anaesthesia hangover

pie??

Can't we just get along, blueberry pie??

doctor

doctor today. hopefully some help? some answers??

apartment

frustrated by dust. this impossible apartment sucks.

shied

small haircut. shied away from larger one...

heat!

heat! Stephen King, Agatha Christie, rehearsals. heat!

enemy

Every meal's an enemy that keeps fighting

Traitors.

Apples and oranges join the revolution. Traitors.

shaftway

broken clockwork wet shaftway expels retarded peristalsis

[censored]

wine chocolate bubble bath strawberries jazz [censored]

rain.

facebook Crawl photo uploads and tags. rain.

revelations...

esophageal revelations... You don't want to know.

Crawl!

The breedingground Crawl! then rehearsal, then shows.

temps.

Merçi pour le temps. beau et libre.

legality,

song cover copyright research, oh legality, sigh

song...

I think I just wrote a song...

subtract

Do I just subtract enjoyment of eating?

forfeit

surrender forfeit broken down fuck you food

future.

One must have faith in the future.

rustica,

Viewpoints, pizza rustica, classroom tech troubles, nutella

beautiful

beautiful day: salmon, sun, bunny cookie, companion

calm

how calm anxiety when eating produces anxiety

walnuts.

Cracking walnuts. Warm, animal smell. Papery flakes.

immune

Tips/Steps for a stronger immune system?

outside

Reentering the outside world. Still sleeping badly.

Ken,

Last night: Ken, chicken soup, Easter candy

rule.

Sometimes you have to break a rule.

healthy,

It's hard not to get depressed. It's hard not to feel beaten down, and repeatedly. It's hard not to feel corrupted, and ashamed, and lame (in every sense of that word). (You don't actively think the phrase "damaged goods," but it lives around there somewhere.) It's hard not to worry about the money, even though and especially because it isn't coming from you. It's hard not to entertain the grand Job-like delusions. It's hard not to think of the worst, this could be cancer, this could be death this time. And then it's hard to deal with the actual smallness of the problem. It's hard not to feel bitter, martyred, proud, stupid, like you're making a big deal out of nothing, like somewhere someone (or some thing) is laughing. It's hard not to blame your body. It's hard not to dwell on or try to qualify the psychological damage such pointless, relentless stupidness inflicts on you day after day. It's hard to imagine being healthy, what it would be like, what it was like, not because you can't imagine it, but because it hurts more than the physical pain to dream about that life (that life of eating what you want when you want it, of getting diseases they can name, that you actually get over in a matter of days, of not having to explain your medical awkwardness to everyone once you pass a certain point of intimacy, etc.). It's all hard. But I'm trying.

Swollen

OK, now what's happening. Swollen gland? Cyst?

crest

...the crest of a wave in suspension...

hour+

I hate needing an hour+ to eat.

go

all right, here we go, we go

tempering

tempering honesty with desire to be positive

Percival

Percival reading tonight. Enfin! Congrats. Nervous? Proud?

pancakes...

too much sugar? chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes... : )

Printemps,

ô Printemps, dépêchez-vous! J'en ai besoin!

Reading

Reading day. Movement essays, Mee, and myself.

froth

phlegm becomes froth becomes phlegm: esophageal creativity

apophenia,

theremin dreaming, apophenia, fucking weird online encounters

kinky"

"his intuition stinks. his invitation is kinky"

there'll

I think there'll be a second date...

date.

Another first date. This is just exhausting.

try?

only way to know is to try?

feel

Why's this week suddenly feel so busy?

feelings?

Amherst, Ed, travel, inspiration, home, news?, feelings?

Disproportionate

More auditions. Disproportionate number of redheads continues.

auditions

oh my, watched so many auditions today.

weekend

teaching some Soundpainting, going away for weekend

found

found scarf in sleeve, found Verne's Chancellor

pineapple,

singing, finished book, physical discomfort, pineapple, jealousy,

wonderful

now too excited to sleep! wonderful feeling!

Beginnings!

A first rehearsal, a first meeting. Beginnings!

breakfast:

breakfast: oatmeal, one egg, toast, green tea

honoring

making agreements with self and honoring them

poetic

poetic or musical movement of the body

hopefully

faculty meeting!, hopefully dance at BAM tonight

pimples.

What can I say about pimples. foreverpresent.

step

Any step forward, however small, is progress.

time

the time on my hands... half - employment...

Lord.

Sittin' through it, Lord. Show me something.

"Confidence

Said yesterday: "Confidence will keep you safe."

reading

Friday classes. Potluck reading as Carl Sagan.

pastelitos

haircut, Roosevelt Island tram, Winterson, percussion, pastelitos

Afraid

Really emotional this week. Afraid of Sunday.

anxiety?

Love these people! What is this anxiety?

best

"the best writing", "harrowing", "deadly precision" ~Denton

T.!

Here's to another delicious day with T.!

gun

Love is a gun to my head.

exclamation

So many exclamation points in recent days...

Ballet

Ballet tonight! Like and dislike dressing up.

pipes

Gotta get pipes in shape! Wanna sing!

tambourine

Tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine!

Chocolate

Chocolate makes me break out, but oh!

dinosaurs,

Dreamed of dinosaurs, family members, transportation, e-mail

esophagus,

Rough day for eating. esophagus, coughing, phlegm

body!

can't act without body! physical acting education!

done

saw my play done well by others.

Paris...

Tara and I both dreaming of Paris...

loopy

slightly loopy head from cough medicine. movies.

palak

Frozen palak paneer is still so good!

Soundpainting

Soundpainting again! two year anniversary this month

excited

disappointed missed yesterday, excited rehearsals beginning tomorrow

Taxes.

Taxes. No financial help coming in. Fuck.

confluence,

unfortunate confluence, surprise cameos, walking the Village

texture

texture photos in Central Park, frozen fingers!

album

album art, iPod, reading books and articles

Greg!

watching bocce, Magnolia cupcake, gazillion bubble, Greg!

accent

Breaking out the ol' German accent again.

unproductive.

Let yourself be unproductive. Make the time.

repeat:

I repeat: physical health is mental health.

spending

need to put myself in spending freeze

fights

Some fights aren't worth fighting. Know them.

script!...

First pair of eyes on new script!...

Museum

Museum day with SoYoung! Japanese reading room!

bored.

so sick of torture plays. so bored.

rushed.

feel rushed. though i'm not. at all.

laundromat

laundromat anger, Emerson, Lynch, 24, Noises Off!

losses.

some hard losses. but speaking of LOST...

Inauguration

Inauguration Day! (Put off these ill-beseeming frowns!)

love

not about love; i'm not in love

ends

comes to a close, finishes up, ends

light

light on the wall inspires an image

voice!

Rest your voice! I'm serious! Shut up!

opened

opened last night. tired, hoarse, and happy.

homework...

oh right, actor homework... we open tomorrow...

accepted!

Play accepted! It's a feeling of relief.

rice

rehearsal, ATM card declined (???), whole grain rice

cherries

rehearsal, fatigue and frustration, chocolate covered cherries

Did

Did I just finish a first draft?!?

Ideas!

Getting my own class this semester! Ideas!

missed

missed yesterday. no good excuse. got nothin'.

challenges

Semester hasn't even started, new challenges already.

hardcore.

Back to rehearsals hardcore. Relaxin' with cartoons.

time

rest, recovery, gifts, games, movies, music, time

quick

quick stolen internet time! iPod! Writing! Christmas!

heading

heading home for two weeks, internetless. Holidays!

Snow.

Snow. Thanks so much snow. Love it.

hundredth

Rehearsal, writing, laundry, packing, one hundredth post!

don't

I just don't have seven words today.

dance!

Pina Bausch tonight! I already wanna dance!

process

accomplishment attention anxiety career art process result

semester

Official end of semester today. Looking forward.

swallow

Take a breath, and swallow your food.

much

Suddenly much to do before I leave!

sitting

sitting all day, face stuck in screen

conversations,

conversations, rain, temperature, work, papers, jelly, rehearsal

smiled.

The night smiled. Me too, despite insecurities.

torture

The torture never ends. This fucking body...

drunk

being drunk puts me in touch with...

tonight

movie, shopping, baking cookies!, party later tonight

Writing

Writing again. And looking forward to writing.

surging

emotion rises periodically, surging to my face

[word]

He's still with his boyfriend. [word] [word]

"lecture"

Highly successful "lecture" yesterday. Very good job!

swing,

back into the swing, as they say?

where

Home's where the heart is. Where's that?

thanksgiving

early departure for so necessary thanksgiving break

titles.

Thinking about titles. For upcoming title "lecture".

blame

I blame music. Oh, yeah, and myself.

Waves

wow, Waves the theatrical experience was... wow

health

Physical health is mental health. Feeling wounded.

full

i'm full and i don't want to

Laughing

Laughing so much makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

Streamlining

Streamlining an idea shouldn't necessarily simplify it.

several.

If it isn't one thing, it's several.

scrambled

scrambled omelette in bowl with spoon. comforting.

LEGOS!

ridiculous food, good friends, laughter, and LEGOS!

kill

Sometimes you have to kill a day.

roses

Still new roses growing outside, defying November.

amongst

amongst the madness today, amongst the madness

better

A much better Wednesday. Thank you everyone.

notebook,

cell, notebook, pen, red fabric, train ticket

"...and

"...and bitterness and rancour and envies innumerable."

troubled

sick of these feelings can't articulate troubled

vacances!

Petites vacances! People from that happier time : )

cover,

cloud cover, uncertainty, awkwardness?, guessing, second-guessing

poisoned

A poisoned morning; rough and crippled, pestilent.

kids,

These fuckin' kids, spoiling my Obama high...

Obama.

Today I voted proudly for Barak Obama.

tomorrow...

Wrestled with a movement piece. Election tomorrow...