Mrs.

timidity? fragility? Mrs. Dalloway, Grey's Anatomy, rehearsals.

hours

Nine hours of theater school. World Series.

psychological

Mondays are bad psychological news. Hocus pocus.

Good

Good god, I want my life back.

bottle

Pea soup and a bottle of beer.

wording.

oh my, haven't been up to wording.

laughtears."

new word: "...what James Joyce called laughtears."

sacrifices?

sacrifices? overdramatizing? trop de bière? bedtime? yes.

by

let a few days go by there...

let.

trying to watch WOO. internet won't let.

lax

lax veg relax lazy, off the hook

feeding.

a time for feeding. belly and brain.

off

surprise time off feels weird right now

"brutal"

"brutal" "Chekhov and sci-fi" main event? l33t

One-a

One-a these days, I'll get the chance...

spirals

TV tears, spirals sketchbook dots and lines

Virtuosity.

Virtuosity. Don't be afraid of it, kids.

mermaid

knowledge chuck extracting Peggle mermaid turbot baulked

uncertainty.

fighting fatigue and uncertainty. daily, lifelong battle?

quick

suddenly no time, quick what's seven words?

accordion.

Washington Square Park: Boba Fett mask, accordion.

yet

not back into my own work yet

ago

a year ago today? a month ago?

attitude

With what attitude will you approach crises?

furze

tiki narine zombie couscous furze optional unsinew'd

felt

yesterday was too long. rehearsal felt awkward...

ahead,

long day ahead, but full of beginnings!

mac.

faculty meeting. mac. cheese. let's do this.

food

books books food food food preparation preparation

life's

i'm chewing, life's getting busy, things're good

Edye,

Dr. Edye, simply the best. Thank you.

chew

tomorrow's the day i can chew again...

well

Hamlet process started well today. Soup. Soup.

rejoining

Uh-oh, rejoining the world today!... Soundpainting rehearsal.

Pea

Pea soup and a glass of milk.

sabi

reading! In Cold Blood, wabi sabi, Hamlet

out

Cleaning out room and throwing stuff away

I

I got through all of last year.

cake

Ice cream cake ready for tomorrow's birthday...

Ready

Ready to begin, in so many ways.

Patiently

Patiently he waits, planning, hoping, imagining, hungering.

dreamt

starting another puzzle. dreamt of cheeseburger, B&N.

Dad,

yesterday: Dad, walking a lot (comparatively), movie!

Mom!

Thank you so much, Mom! Made better.

Milkshakes!

God fucking bless you, Ice Cream. Milkshakes!

plumber.

melted milkshake. plumber. rummy. word search. sunshine.

milk,

broth, milk, baby food, ginger ale, jello,...

recovering.

recovering. so far so good. liquid. gas.

Esophasaurus

Surgery tomorrow. Esophasaurus removal. Goodbye, old friend.

myotomy.

It's called a Heller myotomy. (thanks, wikipedia!)

day.

Star Trek, Stephen King. kill the day.

mercy

have mercy on me, internet connection. why.

great

not a great day for the spirit

bloodwork,

bloodwork, EKG, urine, X-ray. Surgery next week.

summary:

summary: Soundpainting rain community environment love grateful

goodbye.

Saying goodbye. Cue Muppet song. Cue tears.

water.

the sound of water.
thunder.
silence.
applause.

Bye!

Away with limited internet til August! Bye!

packing

lazy day packing and killing time. music.

almost...

Is it Saturday yet? No, but almost...

aches,

waking aches, Netflix, Ensure, dictionnaire, la soupe

movie,

French movie, Spanish movie, 3-D movie, M&Ms

worrying

can't help worrying about money. trying not

trekking

dancing, imagining, choreographing, watching, buying, planning, trekking

away!

Free Alvin Ailey! Vassar one week away!

Diät."

"...ein Jahrtausend lang / brauch ich jezt Diät."

Australian

Thank you, Australian surgeon. A real conversation.

THUNDER!

great rehearsal yesterday! meeting surgeon tomorrow. THUNDER!

Astoria

Astoria walk with Tara, goodbyes, cast party!

(mmmmcupcake...)

Great day with family and friends! (mmmmcupcake...)

closing

One show closed. One show closing tomorrow.

articulate.

don't mean to frighten. just gotta articulate.

knifing

bloody dreams: shopping, neighborhood, sink drowning, knifing

shuffle.

dad. beth. drinks. iPod shuffle. life! life.

Blogging's

Blogging's been low on my priority list.

crunches.

Surgery needed. Time crunches. I wait, hardening.

off.

two whole days off. eating slowly, surely.

bacon.

I can eat bacon. Oh can I.

compromises.

The daily compromises. The exhaustion. The desire.

opening!

One show opened! One show opening! Performances.

horrified

I'm horrified by what I've been through.

Triborough

I crossed the Triborough on foot today.

dress

double dress rehearsals! let's knock it out!

about?

What has today been about? Writing, rest...

Peace.

Rest In Peace, houndstooth Fender shoes. Peace.

are

There are days, and days, and days.

sun,

walk in the sun, cold in shade

And

And now I'm getting a cold! Thanks!

slightly.

nine hours of rehearsal today. hungover. slightly.

vodka

hopefully lots of vodka tonight. blueberry vodka?...

necessary.

manometry on the horizon. necessary. terrible. gross.

wasn't

wasn't gonna do this today too tired

yolk

pepper yolk Mussorgsky episode notification memorization vocals

capsules.

new medicine. purple and gray shaker capsules.

managementy

C.O.W. marathon Day Two. stage managementy supervising.

Work

Creating Original Work marathon COWstravaganza COWapalooza MADNESS!

achalasia.

Let's write about something else, not achalasia.

endoscopy,

on today's schedule: anaesthesia, endoscopy, anaesthesia hangover

pie??

Can't we just get along, blueberry pie??

doctor

doctor today. hopefully some help? some answers??

apartment

frustrated by dust. this impossible apartment sucks.

shied

small haircut. shied away from larger one...

heat!

heat! Stephen King, Agatha Christie, rehearsals. heat!

enemy

Every meal's an enemy that keeps fighting

Traitors.

Apples and oranges join the revolution. Traitors.

shaftway

broken clockwork wet shaftway expels retarded peristalsis

[censored]

wine chocolate bubble bath strawberries jazz [censored]

rain.

facebook Crawl photo uploads and tags. rain.

revelations...

esophageal revelations... You don't want to know.

Crawl!

The breedingground Crawl! then rehearsal, then shows.

temps.

Merçi pour le temps. beau et libre.

legality,

song cover copyright research, oh legality, sigh

song...

I think I just wrote a song...

subtract

Do I just subtract enjoyment of eating?

forfeit

surrender forfeit broken down fuck you food

future.

One must have faith in the future.

rustica,

Viewpoints, pizza rustica, classroom tech troubles, nutella

beautiful

beautiful day: salmon, sun, bunny cookie, companion

calm

how calm anxiety when eating produces anxiety

walnuts.

Cracking walnuts. Warm, animal smell. Papery flakes.

immune

Tips/Steps for a stronger immune system?

outside

Reentering the outside world. Still sleeping badly.

Ken,

Last night: Ken, chicken soup, Easter candy

rule.

Sometimes you have to break a rule.

healthy,

It's hard not to get depressed. It's hard not to feel beaten down, and repeatedly. It's hard not to feel corrupted, and ashamed, and lame (in every sense of that word). (You don't actively think the phrase "damaged goods," but it lives around there somewhere.) It's hard not to worry about the money, even though and especially because it isn't coming from you. It's hard not to entertain the grand Job-like delusions. It's hard not to think of the worst, this could be cancer, this could be death this time. And then it's hard to deal with the actual smallness of the problem. It's hard not to feel bitter, martyred, proud, stupid, like you're making a big deal out of nothing, like somewhere someone (or some thing) is laughing. It's hard not to blame your body. It's hard not to dwell on or try to qualify the psychological damage such pointless, relentless stupidness inflicts on you day after day. It's hard to imagine being healthy, what it would be like, what it was like, not because you can't imagine it, but because it hurts more than the physical pain to dream about that life (that life of eating what you want when you want it, of getting diseases they can name, that you actually get over in a matter of days, of not having to explain your medical awkwardness to everyone once you pass a certain point of intimacy, etc.). It's all hard. But I'm trying.

Swollen

OK, now what's happening. Swollen gland? Cyst?

crest

...the crest of a wave in suspension...

hour+

I hate needing an hour+ to eat.

go

all right, here we go, we go

tempering

tempering honesty with desire to be positive

Percival

Percival reading tonight. Enfin! Congrats. Nervous? Proud?

pancakes...

too much sugar? chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes... : )

Printemps,

ô Printemps, dépêchez-vous! J'en ai besoin!

Reading

Reading day. Movement essays, Mee, and myself.

froth

phlegm becomes froth becomes phlegm: esophageal creativity

apophenia,

theremin dreaming, apophenia, fucking weird online encounters

kinky"

"his intuition stinks. his invitation is kinky"

there'll

I think there'll be a second date...

date.

Another first date. This is just exhausting.

try?

only way to know is to try?

feel

Why's this week suddenly feel so busy?

feelings?

Amherst, Ed, travel, inspiration, home, news?, feelings?

Disproportionate

More auditions. Disproportionate number of redheads continues.

auditions

oh my, watched so many auditions today.

weekend

teaching some Soundpainting, going away for weekend

found

found scarf in sleeve, found Verne's Chancellor

pineapple,

singing, finished book, physical discomfort, pineapple, jealousy,

wonderful

now too excited to sleep! wonderful feeling!

Beginnings!

A first rehearsal, a first meeting. Beginnings!

breakfast:

breakfast: oatmeal, one egg, toast, green tea

honoring

making agreements with self and honoring them

poetic

poetic or musical movement of the body

hopefully

faculty meeting!, hopefully dance at BAM tonight

pimples.

What can I say about pimples. foreverpresent.

step

Any step forward, however small, is progress.

time

the time on my hands... half - employment...

Lord.

Sittin' through it, Lord. Show me something.

"Confidence

Said yesterday: "Confidence will keep you safe."

reading

Friday classes. Potluck reading as Carl Sagan.

pastelitos

haircut, Roosevelt Island tram, Winterson, percussion, pastelitos

Afraid

Really emotional this week. Afraid of Sunday.

anxiety?

Love these people! What is this anxiety?

best

"the best writing", "harrowing", "deadly precision" ~Denton

T.!

Here's to another delicious day with T.!

gun

Love is a gun to my head.

exclamation

So many exclamation points in recent days...

Ballet

Ballet tonight! Like and dislike dressing up.

pipes

Gotta get pipes in shape! Wanna sing!

tambourine

Tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine tambourine!

Chocolate

Chocolate makes me break out, but oh!

dinosaurs,

Dreamed of dinosaurs, family members, transportation, e-mail

esophagus,

Rough day for eating. esophagus, coughing, phlegm

body!

can't act without body! physical acting education!

done

saw my play done well by others.

Paris...

Tara and I both dreaming of Paris...

loopy

slightly loopy head from cough medicine. movies.

palak

Frozen palak paneer is still so good!

Soundpainting

Soundpainting again! two year anniversary this month

excited

disappointed missed yesterday, excited rehearsals beginning tomorrow

Taxes.

Taxes. No financial help coming in. Fuck.

confluence,

unfortunate confluence, surprise cameos, walking the Village

texture

texture photos in Central Park, frozen fingers!

album

album art, iPod, reading books and articles

Greg!

watching bocce, Magnolia cupcake, gazillion bubble, Greg!

accent

Breaking out the ol' German accent again.

unproductive.

Let yourself be unproductive. Make the time.

repeat:

I repeat: physical health is mental health.

spending

need to put myself in spending freeze

fights

Some fights aren't worth fighting. Know them.

script!...

First pair of eyes on new script!...

Museum

Museum day with SoYoung! Japanese reading room!

bored.

so sick of torture plays. so bored.

rushed.

feel rushed. though i'm not. at all.

laundromat

laundromat anger, Emerson, Lynch, 24, Noises Off!

losses.

some hard losses. but speaking of LOST...

Inauguration

Inauguration Day! (Put off these ill-beseeming frowns!)

love

not about love; i'm not in love

ends

comes to a close, finishes up, ends

light

light on the wall inspires an image

voice!

Rest your voice! I'm serious! Shut up!